Previously Asked Questions
Q: I am a young mother of three and there are a few people in my life whom I would like to be mekarev. One is an Israeli client who is interested in learning some "yahadut" with me and the other is my niece who is here from America for "seminary" and basically keeps nothing. I know she respects me, she's a lost teenager, and I feel that I am absolutely required to try to help her. I would appreciate some help and guidance.
Thank you so much!
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Klal Gadol b'kiruv: a good Kiruv experience is not about answering questions. It's much more about the relationship that you create-- showing them that you care about them, and them being able to see the beauty and wisdom of your lifestyle from getting to know you.
In both cases I would suggest a few possibilities:
A) Just hanging out. Once you show an interest in them, and a willingness to explain your Judaism in a way that's open and non-judgmental, it's amazing how much you can accomplish by just going out for a cup of coffee.
B) if they're ready for more, inviting them for a Shabbos is an even more powerful exposure- candlelighting, zemiros, children, menuchas Shabbos (by that, I mean peace of mind, not sleeping!).
C) As a means to deepen the relationship and get them to start seeing the wisdom and beauty of Torah, offer to learn with them once a week. Pick something that you're into, that doesn't assume a lot of background information- Rav Dessler's Strive for Truth, maybe something from Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan or Akiva Tatz.
Along the way, you'll probably get questions that you can't answer. We all do! Your "student" seeing that you too get confused, and that you go to your own mentors to get answers, will teach her more than you being Rebbetzin-know-it-all. We're all learning and we're all growing.
Lastly- daven! Hashem sent you 2 precious children of His. You nurturing their neshamos is no less important than being the doctor giving them vital medicine!
Moshe Zeldman
Q: We regularly have Birthright participants and other such trips for shabbat lunch usually about 3 students at a time. We have been doing this for a few years. We are trying to figure out the best way to talk to them and open them up to asking questions and seeing Judaism as something more. If you have suggestions for topics of conversations or questions to ask them, we would really appreciate it.
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Firstly, Yasher koach on this amazing mitzvah! May you only have much Hatzlacha in bringing back Acheinu Bnei Yisroel.
The most basic thing to do at an informal Shabbos meal with Birthright guests and the like is to be very friendly, non-judgmental, and reflect a normal, healthy, balanced Frum family. They are passing through so the chances of you gaining such a connection is slim so I would recommend just giving them a good time with out getting into too much of a heavy topic. Do not engage in discussions about Homosexuality, Abortion, and Evolution as they are too difficult, emotional and need lots of time and energy to be dealt with properly. To that end, you should always encourage them to discuss Judaism with a Rabbi back home and really impart to them that their Judaism is the most important part of their lives and that they would be remiss to not investigate it further.
For basic conversation, I recommend that you are familiar with the 4 Misconceptions of Judaism- http://www.aish.com/jl/p/ph/48971136.html - so you can remove those immediately. Another idea is to buy the book, Schmooze" by Aish.com, which has all sort of good ice breakers and conversational pieces- http://www.eichlers.com/shmooze-a-guide-to-though-provoking-discussions-on-essential-jewish-issues-paperback-pocketsize.html. I am sure they sell it at Manny's or you can go to the Aish offices in the Old City to buy it.
But keep it loose, definitely go around the table first and get everyone's names,hometown, personal info etc. Then ask them all what Judaism means to them, or what is their favorite part of Judaism.
If you know all of this already I apologize, I am just being thorough and comprehensive.
Hatzlacha Rabba!
Rabbi Elisha Mandel
Q: I have a non-frum, 25 year old female cousin who I am not in touch with. We were friendly as youngsters as we are the same age. She lives across the country. What would be the best way to reach out to her?
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Thank you for the question and yasher koach on showing an interest in reaching out to your cousin.
I would suggest that you do not bring up anything to do with religion at first for a while and just let yourself be a warm, kind, normal friend and cousin., It sounds from your question that you have not had contact in a while so it is best to start things off slowly, with a nice friendship and relationship. If she shows any interest whatsoever, then pounce on it, and come at her with the angle that suits her best - if she is more spiritual, get her to a meaningful Shabbaton with lots of singing in her city, more intellectual, get her to a Discovery seminar etc.
It is crucial that sooner than later you get her connected to a good, Frum, warm and cool family that she can go to for a Shabbos dinner and get close to as you are far away.
Hatzlacha Rabba!
Rabbi Elisha Mandel
Q: I know a girl who wants to be tznius'dik but for some reason she cant or she doesn´t dress tznius'dik she always tells me how she really wants to dress tznius'dik but for some reason I don´t see her dressing that way! Perhaps it's because of peer pressure and her friends don´t dress that way or perhaps she doesn´t know where to start-I want to know how to approach her,and how to help her out without offending her and without creating a distance from her!--I'd really appreciate it if you answer my email as soon as you can. Thank you so much and tizku l'mitzvos.
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I'm not sure how to answer this question without more background on the girl. Is she modern orthodox or not frum at all? Did you ever learn the concept of tznius w/ her or does she just know the halachos without any philosophical context or reason?
However, on a general note: Usually the issue with keeping tznius is that women have the misguided notion that their self-esteem derives from their external looks, and people (and especially men) will like them more if they show a more attractive exterior, i.e. their body. If they don't ever hear that the whole point of Tznius is to connect to their real strength and beauty, which is their neshama, and that if they develop a self-image based on their internal qualities, they will eventually gain more respect and real self-esteem, they won't be inclined to dress tznius'dik, b/c their need for approval is too great, and the social feedback they receive is too immediate and gratifying.
More on this topic is in an article I wrote called: "Beneath the Surface- the Jewish View of Modesty", on aish.com. http://www.aish.com/ci/w/48964691.html
Maybe you could send her the article, tell her you enjoyed it and ask her if she wants to discuss it ever, you would be happy to. Never judge her or show her that you think she's behaving inappropriately. Next you could maybe look for some good articles or books about self-esteem, as I think that is the main issue here. Gila Manolson's book "Outside Inside" is quite good as well.
Finally, best is just to spend time with her and show her by example, no teaching or preaching, how you dress and how it affects your whole sense of self and dignity. She will notice it if she becomes part of your life and will want to have it as well.
Good luck!!
Dini Coopersmith
Q: If a non-frum person tells me that he believes in HaShem, in the Torah, the mitzvos and that everything is emes, but nevertheless, he is not interested in being in religious. He says that he enjoys his lifestyle. He does not want to sit around on Shabbos. He loves his Saturday sports and entertainment. He finds davening boring. He has no interest in kosher food. He loves his treif restaurants. He has no interest in learning Torah. He enjoys going out with many girlfriends. He´s happy with his life and doesn´t want to change. He says he realizes he will be punished later, but right now he´s going to continue his fun-filled life.What do you answer such a person?View Answer
He is honest - it is not intellectual. People want fun and this isn't fun. So offer him fun. Get someone to learn something with him that he finds interesting. Give him entertaining Torah cd's (hint hint). Invite him to a fun place for Shabbos.
On a shorter term - give him something small to do - don't go to shul, just say the shema. Don't keep Shabbos - just make kiddush. Success breeds success. If things sound overwhelming he won't do it. Cut it up into bitesize poeces and wait till he finishes chewing before giving him the next piece.
Hatzlacha!
Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky
Q: I have close reform relatives that are very against religious Jews. They are strongly opposed. They have been exposed to frumkeit for over twenty years but still mock it. Any suggestions?View Answer
Thank you for your question. Unfortunately,there are many non-frum Jews who have a negative perception of Orthodox Jews and even mock them. Often times, their opposition could have resulted from a negative experience with an orthodox jew (i.e. An orthodox jew could have spoken or acted in a way that was judgmental or hurtful or did something that is not in accordance with how a religious jew should act). When this happens, their whole perception of orthodox jews and Judaism is discolored and the experience can leave an emotional scar that does not go away so quickly. However, the following suggestions can help chip away, albeit slowly, at their negativity towards religious jews and hopefully make them a little bit more open to observance.
1. If nothing else, just try to be as loving and as accepting as possible. Try to create a bond with them and show them you care. Stay far away from arguing or battling about religion, but rather just continue to show your care and concern. Ask them about their job, family, interests etc. and try to help them with anything, if possible.
2. If they're open to it, maybe you can invite them to events where you know everyone there will be extremely friendly and accepting like a chabad or aish event in the area. Something that will go against their expectations of what orthodox jews are like.
3.learn the "four misconceptions that jews have about judaism". http://www.aish.com/jl/p/ph/48971136.html Two of the main misconceptions that are probably blocking them the most from embracing orthodox judaism are that they feel that orthodox jews judge them and think they're better than non-frum jews and also they likely feel that judaism will take away their pleasure in life. Read the following two insights about judaism's view on tolerance and the pleasure principle, respectively. These two concepts, when shared at the appropriate time, can do wonders.
http://www.kiruv.com/teachingMaterials/insights/ see insights # 1 (tolerance) and #3 (pleasure). Also, try to expose them to the pleasurable aspects of judaism. Invite them for a Shabbat meal, to your sukkah etc. Any place where they can experience the beauty of judaism in a non-threatening environment. Also go out of your way to include them and make them feel special.
I hope this answer is helpful. Best of luck in your kiruv efforts! May hashem bless you and your family with a happy, healthy and sweet new year.
Leah Ganz
Q: I am interested in doing kiruv but my wife and I are nervous to invite strange people into our home with all the stories happening out there today. How can you be sure you're not inviting someone that can hurt you or your family into your home?View Answer
If you are nervous to invite people that you don't know then you certainly should not. Two ideas how to get around this problem, 1- shabbat.com has many people that are looking for places for shabbos and there are many references on each individual that you can check out. 2- Certainly there are people you come across on a daily basis that would certainly enjoy a shabbos meal. These people you do know. See if you can take advantage of that.
Q: I am a graduate in physical therapy student in Touro on LI and had a few non frum girls at my home for Shabbat. One of the girls who seem very interested, asked if she could bring her non-Jewish boyfriend. What should I do?View Answer
Great question. We have this issue all the time. We usually allow people to bring their non-Jewish boyfriends/girlfriends. There are three reasons for this.
Firstly, 99.99% of secular relationships don't work out so it would be a shame to turn someone away (and potentially turn them off) because of a short-term relationship that will probably end anyway for other reasons.
Secondly, even if this relationship is one that is long-term, serious etc. nothing we say or do will break them up - this is particularly true of secular girls who, nowadays, build relationships solely on physicality and low level emotional connection and have little connection to anything 'intellectual' in their relationship. Having him at your table won't make a difference to their relationship and, if they are on marriage track, might give him a reality check about Judaism.
Lastly, in our experience, when we have said yes, often times the boyfriends don't want to come anyway. Maybe its because they think it will be weird or maybe its because they are looking forward to a Friday night If we were to have said no it could have turned her off.
We host pretty large tables so my rule is that, if the non Jewish partners do actually come, I don't proactively engage them. Its easy when you have 10 or more guests. At smaller tables its harder to 'not engage' without looking like you are 'ignoring' but we would not start any kind of discussion or build a kesher with him. It is.... 'thank you for coming' rather than.... 'see you again soon'.
Girls don't inter-date because they are being b'dafka. They inter-date because their Judaism isn't important and valuable to them. This relationship will probably end for other reasons but the way to make sure that she doesn't continue to inter-date (and thus intermarry) is to start to show her how important and valuable Judaism is in HER life. The only way we can do this is if families like yours continue to open their homes in a beautiful way and introduce her to something she has never experienced before.
As you sing Aishet Chayil to your wife at your Shabbos table, this girl will be looking at you thinking...'I want a husband who is going to sing me Aishet Chayil'. She will then look at the guy sitting next to her and think 'he is not that guy'....and that is the most powerful wake-up call you can give her...because really it is a wake-up call she gives herself!
Thank you for your question. I hope that it all goes well and you continue to reach out to neshamas and show them how important and valuable their Judaism.
Chana GoldsteinQ: Hi, I met an old lady before Pesach in my seamstress's building. She was so excited that I was a frum Jew since I think she knows some non-frum and she still got excited when she saw me. She doesn't know much about yiddishkeit but I got the feeling like she think she knows everything. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate all that you do for Klal Yisroel!
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The best way to do kiruv in a situation like this, is not to think of it as kiruv. A good relationship=good kiruv. Just ask yourself "what can I do to start building a nice relationship with this great person"? Because if she likes you and sees that you care for her and are interested in her, she'll trust you enough to tell you about herself, ask questions, etc.
I would try:
- lots of friendly gestures.
- sharing little snippets- I've been having the sniffles. I think it might be allergies. How are you?
- I have a friend who just came back from Israel. It reminded me how much I miss it. I haven't been there in years...have you been there?
- knock on the door "I'm on my way to the hardware store. Do you need anything from there?"
You know you're getting somewhere when SHE initiates a Yiddishkeit discussion/question. You never have to be in the position of selling or missionizing.
Q: I work in a center for special needs children which is frum based but hires many non-jews and non-frum jews. The non-frum girls show such interest in connecting as much as they could but its so hard to know what do I do to really bring them closer besides being nice and making a kiddish hashem? Twice a week I am in a completely non-frum school- on purim I gave the teachers I work with a small shalach manos- it was so special to see how touched they were, one almost to tears! but but now what? Thanks for your help.
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I would suggest
a. Continue to be a nice, normal person and friend.
b. Give them something small on each Yom Tov.
c. suggest that if they would like to learn about that Yom Tov or occasion etc. they can hear free lectures onwww.simpletoremember.com or direct them to a good website like aish.com
d. On Friday, bring someone a challah.
Rabbi Becher
